Male Confusion

 I think it was yesterday.

I was working at the front of the store filling a display when two women came in. Medium girls in age, height and weight. One was obviously here for something, the other just tagging along as friends sometimes do. I got the sense of them immediately. They had that slightly 'enhanced' way of being; people that are just a bit louder and a bit more brash than their surroundings. 

Friend One had a mission: buy groceries. 

Friend Two also had a goal: embarrass Friend One.

1 “I want to check the deli, I think I need cheese? Oh, and they have the best bread here.”

2 “Don't you want a pickle?", said with all of the subtlety of a 9^th grader.

1 “Nooooo, I want to get some produce. C'mon.”

2 (Now noticing me) “Oh you should get a cucumber. You LOVE cucumbers!”

1 “Shut up”, meaning Shut up (but not really).

2 “They have big ones. You neeeed a big one.” Looking at me, mere feet away. I assume for approval (?) as I have little control over how large a cucumber is. I'm not God.

I'm all for buffoonery but this cheesy sexually charged middle-aged nonsense... It's hard to take! I can't wrap my mouth around it! Not in my hair! 

The world is a sexually charged place. For some reason. I have overheard coworkers mention to one another (they've long since abandoned telling me, thank Christ) about how hot someone is. 

"Didja see that blonde out front? Whew, man. So sexy." 

Okay. 

Is she going to have sex with me? What am I supposed to do with this information? Do I clap? Honestly, what the hell do I care? Look, I know we're all dazzled by symmetry and personal grooming habits but, to quote Shania Twain, That Don't Impress-uh Me Much.

I can't imagine what I am missing out on because from my observations these fellas see a beautiful lady, state "she's good looking", then turn to another schlub working on a coronary to restate and reiterate the same thing, over and over again. These people have nothing. Is this an anecdote? Do these non-stories get passed around a poker table somewhere? An attractive woman or HOT GIRL comes into work, you SEE her - THE ONLY INTERACTION YOU HAVE - you then TELL SOMEONE equally useless of the sighting and- and- and--- That's it. It's a total museum piece. A non-experience. It's a hundred steps below masturbation. You saw attractive, you walk away with nothing. What's the point? To point? 

Is it akin to me seeing a deer cross a rainy road in the dim light of morning? Does it make their breath catch in their throat? Do they pause, drizzling thoughts knocked clear of the mind for a moment? To stand in quiet awe of natural beauty? 

 Maybe I've been too harsh. 

A few years ago I was leaving work around the same time as a young woman from the Salad Bar. She was focused on her phone, and behind her focused solely on her was an older fella in his 60s. You would think his eyes were metal shavings and her ass was full of magnets the way this dude was locked on.

You've got that nice creepy 40+ year age difference going on, an oblivious lady minding her business and me, now annoyed. 

I never want to fall into the White Knight category of modern men, wagging my finger saying 'do better', nor do I want to fall into The Dark Knight, 'let me just punch this dude square in the face' group either. Neither is necessary. I simply stopped and stared at this old dude from just beyond Salad Bar lady until he met my gaze. And I gave him the Big Eyes, Slow Deliberate Head Shake to communicate, hopefully, "You are pathetic and I see it". Because it is pathetic. It's a sad look on anyone's face but when you get to that advanced age and you are still nakedly staring at a strangers butt, it's over pal. You're through. She is never going to fuck you. Because, and I say this with all sincerity, you are gross. Accept it. 

I don't remember what my point is but let's all try and meet each others eyes from now on.