"All sorrows can be borne if you put them in a story"

I was asked recently, "Is there anything that embarrasses you?" After my Father died I was talking to my Mother about the last time she and he had sex and we nailed down the year to 1997. The same year that Titanic broke box office records and Batman & Robin put superhero films in a coma. This conversation also confirmed something I had remembered since childhood: my father was very well endowed. When you're a kid most things look larger than life and being a close knit family there were times when the bathroom was occupied by multiple males. So what wins out when you're four years old and you need to piss? There isn't room for embarrassment when you and your Father are standing before a single toilet in the upstairs bathroom. Alright, so Mom blew Dad in '97 while our hearts went on and I had enough face time with a hulking wiener to leave an impression. Not a literal impression but a figurative one. Like, there isn't any part of my body featur...

So I needed a mortgage. If I was to live and I mean barely live I would need a space to call my own. I must say this, I don't know much about anything. And to top it off, mortgages are fucking boring. I mean, think back to every boring math lecture, every boring accounting lecture, every boring conversation you've ever had and realize that, for at least two hours(!) you are trapped listening to someone whose job is to lecture you about the mathematics of mortgage interest. I just wanted to shut it down just to save myself from the crippling dullness. I felt like a kid waiting for my parents to finish at the bank. A young mind shouldn't be pulverized with such inane queries. How much money do you have? What is your credit rating? Are you in debt to anyone? Are you married? How long have you been employed? Where do you bank? How do you live? Are you a a good witch or a bad witch? The questions come quickly and the answers, painfully slow. I'm not young an...