Here I Come

The Internet has long acted as an echo chamber for thought. A place for strangers in strange lands to seek out and explore their passions. Sites sprang out of the dirt, muck and mire to become refuges to the disenfranchised; homes for the hopeless, places of light allowing people to grow and become greater than they thought possible. In the dark, away from prying eyes, the most lascivious discourse imaginable was being spewed fountain-like into the void in the hopes that the shadow laden creatures who thrive on sinister thoughts and feelings would too grow into a force to be reckoned with. Both sides seek understanding. Both sides seek to share their ideals. Both sides believe they are right. 

One side is wrong.

Many years ago I hosted an unpopular but listened to podcast, a highlight among Canadian titles that were bland and properly curated. It was a standout beside shows where a gimmick or a theme drove content as We couldn't be bothered to talk about just any popular subject but rather whatever idea happened to tickle our fancy that week. As I recall someone brought up the idea of growing up and finding your first porn magazine. That you would be out in the woods and just happen upon a stack of dirty books in a hollowed out tree or something. When I think of Playboys or Hustlers or any physical masturbation material one phrase sticks out in my mind: the pages are stuck together. I never really gave much thought to that often repeated phrase/joke. Maybe because I never owned porn or, I don't know, borrowed porn or ever saw it outside of films but it never made sense to me. Why would you come on the pictures? I might be missing the point but that seemed very odd to me, mostly down to the fact that moisture and paper don't mix. It's a male problem and one that no guy in my personal circle could explain to me. Maybe women have ruined their share of GQ's with some overzealous fingering but really, outside of squirting videos I have to imagine most women are keeping their jerk-off material in pristine condition. Mint in Box, etc.

There was little discussion on the podcast of the how and why of dudes ruining magazines with their money shots but I did ask a (rhetorical) question to the audience: Do Dudes Actually Jerk Off Deliberately Onto Magazines? I didn't expect an answer but within a few days I received a short video in an email. The clip featured an erect penis, a glossy magazine headshot of some woman, and a handful of tugs culminating in a spurt of male jelly. So guys deliberately jerk off onto pictures. I was stunned not only by the revelation but that someone would send me that kind of material in an email. 2010, the year electronic communications got salty.

I hadn't really thought of this question or video for some time until a few weeks ago when these memories suddenly shook loose and drifted back to my minds eye. Now with a few years of depravity under my belt I felt like it was the time to explore this subject a bit more. Because I am not a particularly smart or clever man I decided to Google 'cum on printed pictures' and wouldn't you know it there's a fucking website with that name (www.cumonprintedpics.com/ NSFW nor Safe for any self-respecting person). Now, I love that title; it is so fucking pedestrian and literally the first thing anyone could think of. I also like that it is cum on printed pics; they're keeping things old fashioned, or classic, in that the cum in question will only land on a printed page and not some newfangled piece of technology. Let the jizz ruin paper, not streak up an iPad.

They also have a banner proclaiming themselves to be "The ORIGINAL Cum Tribute Porn Forums and Gallery!" (their emphasis, not mine). The web page is essentially just a 2001-era forum featuring bland workmanlike web design, where everything is very stripped down and functional which leads me to believe that the members are older gentlemen; guys looking to post comments, tug their dicks raw and get back to betting on sports and watching NASCAR. They require no bells or whistles, attractive website design is lost on them so why bother with modern Internet infrastructure?

I've browsed the forums and the word that comes up most, apart from cum, is tribute. These guys consider blasting loads on pictures of either well-known, known or famous women as some kind of accolade. I don't imagine most people would want to know about this bit of performance art. I mean tribute makes jerking-off sound far more impressive so kudos to them for that but what woman would be flattered by this?

Horrified, sure.
Terrified, I could see.
Flattered? Really, really, really fucking unlikely.

Say what you will about strangers hiding on a dingy website dumping man yogurt onto photos but they are an encouraging bunch. These guys don't mind paying out some compliments ranging from Nice load to Beautiful load or even Great dick. You rarely see those kinds of pats-on-the-back on other sites, and really, when has any of us been praised for flogging our ham? Again the Internet proves to be a "free to be you" kind of place because where else is someone going to standout for how much semen they put out? Niche Porn brings out the best in some people.

Set all kidding aside however and you find odd behaviour -- odd in a place where a sea of sperm has been shot out in salute to ladies --where guys are sharing private photos of women they know or kind of know. There was one post I saw where a supposedly young man shared Facebook pics of a friend's girlfriend to the group. I suppose he was seeking the approval of the fuck ups that lurk on this site. That is nothing short of creepy and raises a red flag for me because now it isn't just an anonymous facial to strangers but a sort of free-for-all on someone familiar. Harboring a crush seems natural but making pornographic material is fucking gross. And rude. Feelings not reciprocated should be enough to say, "Hey, move on", rather than, "Hey, make fetish porn because what she doesn't know won't hurt her."

The rest of the site feels downright criminal, as it devolves into bizarre fetish groupings of people posting pictures of family members they want to see fucked or entire threads of these deplorables confessing to feeding unwitting women food with semen on or in it. It's enough to make you want to punch your own stupid face in for believing people aren't as bad as you thought they were.

"We're growing guys. Please don't come just to SEE things. You must contribute aswell, we all do. " Posted Monday February 27th, 2017 10:10pm KiritoSAO under the Kik group (FEEDING GIRLS CUM/SPERM unknowingly)

I'm angry. I don't know what else to be because this is so fucking vile.

Don't trust men because they only let you down. I've written in the past about being disappointed with guys online due to their interactions with women and it just goes on and just gets worse. What in the fuck is wrong with these guys? Why the desperation, why the sordid pastimes, why the fucking gross behaviour?

Maybe all of the self-abuse has left them blind to the simple fact that no human being deserves to be treated so poorly. Not even these shitheads would shrug off someone feeding them bodily fluids and yet they not only want to do it but distribute proof of it. Fuck them.

Seriously. Fuck them.

Adam Greene