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Living. Kinda.

 Life at the moment is the exact opposite of a Snickers - nothing is satisfying me. 

I am a fella of advancing age so I spend most of my free time working on self improvement. It would be weird not to. Who the hell thinks they are perfect? 

I have taken up running on a treadmill. For those not in the know running is the faster, fancier version of walking, one of my favourite modes of locomotion. I feel of two minds about it; part of me loves the coordination involved, the sweating, the ever increasing speeds and the demands on me to achieve them. The other part of me feels like I should be doing anything else, anything safer and slower and safer and my god please slow down. 

Today was a bust for running. Within the first 10 minutes my Bluetooth headphones stopped working, 10 minutes after that I had to stop to pee, and minutes after that the treadmill stopped working altogether. After that triple Fuck You it took a mixture of powering the treadmill off and on, and plain old fashioned waiting before the damn thing started working again, so back on I ran for an additional 13 minutes. At the end of this non-athon I was toweling my face off and I tripped off the back end of the running deck. I felt so damn successful. 

I don't know what else I can do with my free time. I live in a town where the only thing left to me is buying shit and eating. There appear to be zero activities for a weird looking middle aged guy to participate in.

I try to cook more here and there. I am not improving in this area. Obviously I am going to stick with it, but boy, it would be nice to be taught by someone who gives a damn. 

I read every day, most often the news, more often some vacuous bullshit. I have tried to look at Reddit but it feels impenetrable. The people on there really have strong opinions on everything.

I would like to learn how to sew. My mother has shown me a basic stitch useful for mending small holes but I have yet to put it into practice. I like the simple practicality of it. Something that would have been useful in the past 3 decades.

I am still exercising most days. Often with weights, sometimes strictly body weight but exclusively via video. I like being told what to do.

I still take pictures here and there:  


Now, I like this picture just fine. I found this toad in a planter in the backyard. Part of me recognizes a simple act of cruelty on my part, that I took the picture first rather than saving the toad. But I liked the image so that overrode instinct and delayed kindness. 

I like the distinct circle of the water, I like the void that the toad is trying to leap to. I like the basic symmetry. This isn't a hopeful image. It communicates isolation and fear. The toad wasn't struggling but I don't know how long it had been there. I can understand why I felt sad in the moment, why it reminded me of a quote from Ted Lasso:

"There is something worse out there than being sad. And that is being alone and being sad."

There are a ton of people out there struggling with debts and mental illness and any number of things. And it really sucks that they have to go at it alone.  And I have nothing wrong with me and I still get low. It doesn't make a lot of sense. I should be satisfied and it does come in moments but it doesn't stay long. 

But there is always tomorrow.


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