What does your name mean to you? For some it is an identifier packed with meaning, something to live up to, a legend to build upon. For others it is simply one of many reasons to hate your parents.
Adam Greene. Neither top of the heap nor the best hand you could be dealt, it falls squarely under the inoffensively bland name, a beef consomme of monikers. It's a name jam-packed with a's and e's and none of those sexy, exotic consonants from the latter half of the alphabet. It's a basic bitch of a name.
Owing to an unshakable connection to the Bible a lot of folks put more meaning on the name than they should. People really assume a lot from those first four letters; either my parents are super religious or I am/should be.
"Ooh, 'Adam'. The First Man! Have you met your Eve yet?"
Actually, no, on both counts. The person I owe my handle to is the legend himself, Adam West.
Now there is a man. Arguably the peak of Adams for the past 60 years, Mr. West has it all: a great sense of humour, an interesting career, those looks, that body. Mmmhmm. If there was ever a poster child for top quality Adams, he'd be it. Is it any wonder then why my agnostic father would suggest a name with Biblical ties for his first born? If you're going to have a kid, Hell, you might as well have Batman.
Apropos of nothing I did a Google Image search for "adam greene" a few weeks back. It's worth taking a few minutes to do it to see if we drew the same conclusion.
...
...
...
Ready? I don't know what your interpretation was but my thought was simply this: what a group of unfuckable middle-managers. Jesus! What happened boys, did your balls fall off? You know, I thought I was letting the name down a bit but it turns out that I am just par for the course.
Fuckin' yikes. I don't photograph well and let me assure you, I don't look any better in person. In fact I probably look worse. My asymmetrical, unchinned, long nosed looks don't endear me to many. And when they do, when I hear from some poor woman that she finds me attractive...Boy, does that make me question her judgement.
Considering it's notoriety as a primary colour people can't get a handle on the pronunciation of Green with an 'e'. In fact they often don't know what to do with that information once it's given.
A: Hi. I'm, uh, checking in to see Doctor Smith.
R: Okay. Name please?
A: Adam Greene.
R: Okay... Green...
A: With an extra 'e'.
R: ...So G-r-e-e-e-n?
A: No. There's an 'e' at the end.
R: I don't follow.
A: G-r-e-e-n-e
R: (Rolls her eyes) Okay.
I mean, do people assume the 'e' to be an affectation? Like jamming a letter onto the end of a name was going to help me stand out? Like 'Greene' is the equivalent of naming yourself Kelli or Ambur or some such shit? I've watched people struggle with that extra E. Is it Green-y? Is it Green-eh? Is it Gree-nuh?
I know for my father and one of my brothers that Greene was something of a burden. Classmates, co-workers and casual acquaintances seem to be find something funny in having a colour for a last name.
One time last year I was playing Dying Light over the PSN with a young man from the UK. I must say that it is an awkward thing for me to play online with anyone, especially a stranger but what the hell I need all of the friends I can get. I don't use an alias online, my name tends to be my name with some bullshit strewn about it. On Instagram my user name is theadamgreene while on PSN it's Adam_Greene28. Nothing too wild or unbelievable about those and yet they are just odd enough to require commentary from strangers.
So I was playing online with an English kid in his 20's and during our session he stops me to let me know that his older brother was coming home. Being polite I stop playing to allow this guy half a world away to grab his sibling. In 2016 microphone technology has improved greatly especially for video game chat so now I can hear these two chuckleheads chitchatting as if they are just next door rather than across the Atlantic. They talk about that days job search, what is for dinner and what games they have been playing. This goes on for roughly 4-5 minutes. Once Boy A rejoins my session we continue on our way, slaughtering the undead and ramming our vehicles into as many unbreakable stationary objects as possible. The thing is is that this guys mic is on and open so his brother can still talk and be heard to me. And what does this Jemaine Clement sounding motherfucker start doing but making fun of my name.
JC: (Reading) Adam Greene? *Derisive laughter*
Really? Really? That is a ridiculous name to see online? With all of the shitty handles that people shovel onto the 'net my real name stands out as being dumber than most? I mean one of the UK's most featured, mostly beloved actor and all around world beaters is named Benedict Cumberbatch. What chance does an Adam Greene have when THAT is the paradigm by which all names can and should be judged?
In the past I've considered changing my name for no other reason than because I thought, Hey, that'd be dumb. As I've gotten older the name has grown on me like a fungus, a good spore and the first and best gift from my father.
I don't know if I've done the name justice but at least I haven't Hitler-ized it either. So far.
Adam Greene
Adam Greene. Neither top of the heap nor the best hand you could be dealt, it falls squarely under the inoffensively bland name, a beef consomme of monikers. It's a name jam-packed with a's and e's and none of those sexy, exotic consonants from the latter half of the alphabet. It's a basic bitch of a name.
Owing to an unshakable connection to the Bible a lot of folks put more meaning on the name than they should. People really assume a lot from those first four letters; either my parents are super religious or I am/should be.
"Ooh, 'Adam'. The First Man! Have you met your Eve yet?"
Actually, no, on both counts. The person I owe my handle to is the legend himself, Adam West.
 |
| Hellooooooooo, Mr. West! |
Apropos of nothing I did a Google Image search for "adam greene" a few weeks back. It's worth taking a few minutes to do it to see if we drew the same conclusion.
...
...
...
Ready? I don't know what your interpretation was but my thought was simply this: what a group of unfuckable middle-managers. Jesus! What happened boys, did your balls fall off? You know, I thought I was letting the name down a bit but it turns out that I am just par for the course.
 |
| Imagine this thing crawling on top of you in the middle of the night. |
The Greene of It All
As someone who doesn't maintain traditions or relationships it should come as no surprise that I don't know the origins of my last name. It's Irish-y by way of English-y. It is a name that has associations with Jewish folks too. My family happens to be super bland European white people who reside in a country known for whiter snow and deathly pallor. I think before spray tans became chic outsiders visiting Canada would assume the whole of Ontario was populated by ghosts.Considering it's notoriety as a primary colour people can't get a handle on the pronunciation of Green with an 'e'. In fact they often don't know what to do with that information once it's given.
A: Hi. I'm, uh, checking in to see Doctor Smith.
R: Okay. Name please?
A: Adam Greene.
R: Okay... Green...
A: With an extra 'e'.
R: ...So G-r-e-e-e-n?
A: No. There's an 'e' at the end.
R: I don't follow.
A: G-r-e-e-n-e
R: (Rolls her eyes) Okay.
I mean, do people assume the 'e' to be an affectation? Like jamming a letter onto the end of a name was going to help me stand out? Like 'Greene' is the equivalent of naming yourself Kelli or Ambur or some such shit? I've watched people struggle with that extra E. Is it Green-y? Is it Green-eh? Is it Gree-nuh?
I know for my father and one of my brothers that Greene was something of a burden. Classmates, co-workers and casual acquaintances seem to be find something funny in having a colour for a last name.
One time last year I was playing Dying Light over the PSN with a young man from the UK. I must say that it is an awkward thing for me to play online with anyone, especially a stranger but what the hell I need all of the friends I can get. I don't use an alias online, my name tends to be my name with some bullshit strewn about it. On Instagram my user name is theadamgreene while on PSN it's Adam_Greene28. Nothing too wild or unbelievable about those and yet they are just odd enough to require commentary from strangers.
So I was playing online with an English kid in his 20's and during our session he stops me to let me know that his older brother was coming home. Being polite I stop playing to allow this guy half a world away to grab his sibling. In 2016 microphone technology has improved greatly especially for video game chat so now I can hear these two chuckleheads chitchatting as if they are just next door rather than across the Atlantic. They talk about that days job search, what is for dinner and what games they have been playing. This goes on for roughly 4-5 minutes. Once Boy A rejoins my session we continue on our way, slaughtering the undead and ramming our vehicles into as many unbreakable stationary objects as possible. The thing is is that this guys mic is on and open so his brother can still talk and be heard to me. And what does this Jemaine Clement sounding motherfucker start doing but making fun of my name.
JC: (Reading) Adam Greene? *Derisive laughter*
Really? Really? That is a ridiculous name to see online? With all of the shitty handles that people shovel onto the 'net my real name stands out as being dumber than most? I mean one of the UK's most featured, mostly beloved actor and all around world beaters is named Benedict Cumberbatch. What chance does an Adam Greene have when THAT is the paradigm by which all names can and should be judged?
In the past I've considered changing my name for no other reason than because I thought, Hey, that'd be dumb. As I've gotten older the name has grown on me like a fungus, a good spore and the first and best gift from my father.
I don't know if I've done the name justice but at least I haven't Hitler-ized it either. So far.
Adam Greene
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