Older, Just Not Wiser

So I needed a mortgage. If I was to live and I mean barely live I would need a space to call my own.

I must say this, I don't know much about anything.

And to top it off, mortgages are fucking boring. I mean, think back to every boring math lecture, every boring accounting lecture, every boring conversation you've ever had and realize that, for at least two hours(!) you are trapped listening to someone whose job is to lecture you about the mathematics of mortgage interest.

I just wanted to shut it down just to save myself from the crippling dullness. I felt like a kid waiting for my parents to finish at the bank. A young mind shouldn't be pulverized with such inane queries.

How much money do you have? What is your credit rating? Are you in debt to anyone? Are you married? How long have you been employed? Where do you bank? How do you live? Are you a a good witch or a bad witch?

The questions come quickly and the answers, painfully slow.

I'm not young anymore.

It is strange to look at the next decade of your life in a purely financially driven way. Will I still be alive? Jesus, I fucking hope not.

I don't want to shirk my responsibilities nor do I want a pat on the back.

And yet.

People want you to have debt. It's crazy to me. How can you be a valuable member of society if you aren't paying substantial amounts of interest to a banking firm? I don't know, man. I also don't care. I take little interest in the goings on of the modern world. And that offends people too.

Let's look at everyone’s favorite subject: World ending cataclysm. For some, this is the reason they get up every morning and practice with firearms. It's the sole reason they own a fallout shelter that would make The President jealous.

My only hope for alien invasion, nuclear annihilation, the shambling undead, angry sentient plants, substantially horny fuck-mo-tron robots is that I die quickly. Hopefully within the first five minutes.

I do not have the skills or the knowledge to bring humanity back from the brink of doom. I don't. I never was a learned man. Nor do I want the hassle. With every article I read about this one wants to ban abortion or this one thinks women have equal opportunity or that there isn't rampant racism it's really become clear to me that I don't know what the fuck is wrong with people. Like, it's obvious to me now that I am just not the same species. Because I can't imagine why you would think in such an obviously stupid way. It defies all logic.

I just couldn't imagine living through fifty years of hell just to get to the point where society is about to pull itself back together and fall into a debate about whether gay people should have the same rights as straight folks.

Here is the answer: Yes

Obviously.

Should women be treated equally?

Yeah. What the fu-- Again, WHY WOULD THEY NOT BE?

Should we teach religion in school?

No. School is an opportunity for all children from all walks of life and all financial situations to come together and function in a society that doesn't have to worry about fucking magic or politics. The children are there to learn together not to have more labels thrown on top of them.

...

"So, we are good to go. Congratulations, man, you've got yourself a mortgage."

(Hmm? Oh, yeah. Thanks. I appreciate you taking the time to help me.)

"Of course. And hey--"
He holds out a fist
"Bump it, man!"

My mouth opens
(Can I talk to someone else about my mortgage?)