Originally written June 10th, 2011
Modified/Edited February 6th, 2017
Something happened years ago at a school event that first lead me to question what was wrong with me. I noticed a numbness. Not a loss of feeling in my extremities but an overall sense of emptiness from my mind, through my chest, down to the pit of my stomach.
It is summer. It is nighttime. The wind is blowing gently. It is not overly hot.
I am walking through the hallways of my school. I am moving past lockers and classrooms, making my way towards the gym. The loud music reverberates through the walls, through me. I move with anticipation. I am meeting someone.
I come to the double doors. Someone stands guard. They demand to know my name. I give a fake one. I place my hand against the door. The music is very loud now.
I push into the room. It is solid darkness, broken up by intermittent flashes from the overhead strobe lights. There is a throng of bodies moving in sync with the bass. I start moving towards the nearest wall. My eyes scan the crowd of dancers. Not seeing who I am expecting I begin pacing around the perimeter.
I move past groups of boys talking loudly about girls, I move past girls speaking loudly about boys. I move past loners and kids who've had too much to drink. I move past the chaperoned and the loose affiliation of supposed 'straight edge' kids. My eyes dart back and forth from the crowd of dancers I circle and the dark shadows I pass. I am looking for someone. Someone who is supposed to be here.
As I make my second pass of one corner I decide to stop and assess my situation. I think I have come here for no reason. I see her friends and her non-friends but she is nowhere to be found.
I place my back against the wall. My head rolls on my shoulders and I glance to my right. There are shapes stirring in the pitch black corner. Hands moving, bodies writhing. I stare for what seems like minutes when I notice something familiar about one set of hands and the jewelry worn upon them.
I move closer. I come within inches. I am noticed. Two sets of eyes lock with mine. I study the frozen tableau: I stand before two people, one male, one female, who hide themselves in a black corner of the room. Female has hiked her dress up and lost her underwear, male is desperately working his 'digital magic' on female. They look at me in abject horror. I can't help but smile.
I apologize for interrupting them and slowly make my way back towards the door. I shake my head. I start to snort. I start to chuckle. I break out laughing. I am louder than the music, louder than the dancers, louder than the girls who talk about boys, louder than the boys talking about girls. I am the only person making noise.
The double doors snap shut behind me. I push past the guardian and exit the building. The warm air dries my sweat. I amble down the sidewalk.
I hear my name being called out. This girl is nuts if she thinks I'm stopping. I'm heading home. I'm alone with my thoughts.
I am as dark as the pavement. My shoes smack the ground, there are showers of pebbles and sand.
I make it home. I am asked why. I say there was a misunderstanding. I go to bed.
In bed, alone. Alone with my thoughts. I wonder if I should feel bad. Bad about myself. I wonder if I am supposed to be mad. Mad at myself? The girl? The boy? The world?
In bed, alone, I feel numb. I think about my heart. It isn't broken. I think about the whole evening. I think its funny. I wonder what television would have me do. If TV had its way, I would have made a big scene or fought that random guy or called the girl a "slut", or done anything but laugh.
In bed, alone, I know that I am me. I cannot respond in any way that I don't believe in. I can't pretend to care.
In bed, alone, I feel numb.
...
I find it hard to describe the feeling of indifference I experience on a daily basis. It is odd. I'll hear something terrible and when I go looking for some kind of deep honesty or some kind of heartfelt response I just find nothing.
The only reason I came was to, potentially, come. I knew she was loose, but not to the point that if I didn't make it on time she would go off and grab any random dude. No sense of betrayal or anything dramatic. That isn't me.
If nothing else, we share that memory between us.
Modified/Edited February 6th, 2017
Something happened years ago at a school event that first lead me to question what was wrong with me. I noticed a numbness. Not a loss of feeling in my extremities but an overall sense of emptiness from my mind, through my chest, down to the pit of my stomach.
It is summer. It is nighttime. The wind is blowing gently. It is not overly hot.
I am walking through the hallways of my school. I am moving past lockers and classrooms, making my way towards the gym. The loud music reverberates through the walls, through me. I move with anticipation. I am meeting someone.
I come to the double doors. Someone stands guard. They demand to know my name. I give a fake one. I place my hand against the door. The music is very loud now.
I push into the room. It is solid darkness, broken up by intermittent flashes from the overhead strobe lights. There is a throng of bodies moving in sync with the bass. I start moving towards the nearest wall. My eyes scan the crowd of dancers. Not seeing who I am expecting I begin pacing around the perimeter.
I move past groups of boys talking loudly about girls, I move past girls speaking loudly about boys. I move past loners and kids who've had too much to drink. I move past the chaperoned and the loose affiliation of supposed 'straight edge' kids. My eyes dart back and forth from the crowd of dancers I circle and the dark shadows I pass. I am looking for someone. Someone who is supposed to be here.
As I make my second pass of one corner I decide to stop and assess my situation. I think I have come here for no reason. I see her friends and her non-friends but she is nowhere to be found.
I place my back against the wall. My head rolls on my shoulders and I glance to my right. There are shapes stirring in the pitch black corner. Hands moving, bodies writhing. I stare for what seems like minutes when I notice something familiar about one set of hands and the jewelry worn upon them.
I move closer. I come within inches. I am noticed. Two sets of eyes lock with mine. I study the frozen tableau: I stand before two people, one male, one female, who hide themselves in a black corner of the room. Female has hiked her dress up and lost her underwear, male is desperately working his 'digital magic' on female. They look at me in abject horror. I can't help but smile.
I apologize for interrupting them and slowly make my way back towards the door. I shake my head. I start to snort. I start to chuckle. I break out laughing. I am louder than the music, louder than the dancers, louder than the girls who talk about boys, louder than the boys talking about girls. I am the only person making noise.
The double doors snap shut behind me. I push past the guardian and exit the building. The warm air dries my sweat. I amble down the sidewalk.
I hear my name being called out. This girl is nuts if she thinks I'm stopping. I'm heading home. I'm alone with my thoughts.
I am as dark as the pavement. My shoes smack the ground, there are showers of pebbles and sand.
I make it home. I am asked why. I say there was a misunderstanding. I go to bed.
In bed, alone. Alone with my thoughts. I wonder if I should feel bad. Bad about myself. I wonder if I am supposed to be mad. Mad at myself? The girl? The boy? The world?
In bed, alone, I feel numb. I think about my heart. It isn't broken. I think about the whole evening. I think its funny. I wonder what television would have me do. If TV had its way, I would have made a big scene or fought that random guy or called the girl a "slut", or done anything but laugh.
In bed, alone, I know that I am me. I cannot respond in any way that I don't believe in. I can't pretend to care.
In bed, alone, I feel numb.
...
I find it hard to describe the feeling of indifference I experience on a daily basis. It is odd. I'll hear something terrible and when I go looking for some kind of deep honesty or some kind of heartfelt response I just find nothing.
The only reason I came was to, potentially, come. I knew she was loose, but not to the point that if I didn't make it on time she would go off and grab any random dude. No sense of betrayal or anything dramatic. That isn't me.
And now, some perspective from a man in his 30's:
I don't remember writing this grainy, angsty, teeny thing but I do remember the why of it all: there is a simple joy in writing something weird and different. You should always try something new, take a different approach, stretch the muscles a bit. In writing you are attempting to express something of yourself to an audience. Maybe you want to convey a thought or a feeling or just shoot the breeze and talk of nothing more significant than the weather. I think this prose sells a memory I no longer have. It just exists here and now on this page for you or anyone else to see and judge. If I have done my job then you got to go on a short journey to the shadowy past.If nothing else, we share that memory between us.
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